Thanksgiving….eliminated as a holiday; Halloween and Christmas combine for 4-month extravaganza
WASHINGTON, D.C., Oct. 31, 2014 – The American Association of Holidays (“AAH”), led by holiday czar – Peter Cottontail – announces that Thanksgiving will officially be removed from the holiday calendar, effective midnight tonight.
Every single calendar in the United States, Guam, Puerto Rico, Michigan, and the Easter Islands, will be stripped of the 4-day weekend that hundreds of millions look forward to each year. The former holiday will now be replaced by a 4- month festival of wonderment, known simply as “the Fall.” Defying basic science and the well-settled dates of the Autumn Equinox, the AAH stated that going forward, the Fall will run from September 1 through December 31.
“Pilgrim hats made from cardboard, drunk uncles, cranberries, construction paper turkeys (made from the outline of a child’s hand) and gourds, are an unnecessary part of the American holiday culture,” said Mr. Cottontail. “As soon as the kids go back to school in the Fall, our hearts and minds should be strictly focused on engorging our bodies with candy, buying cheap plastic costumes made in Chinese sweatshops, and spending lots of money on gifts for people who have way too many things to begin with.”
The AAH announced that, on the last Thursday of each November, Citizens will still be permitted to: gather with family; eat copious amounts of pigs-in-a-blanket, deviled eggs, candied yams, and turducken; engage in awkward conversations with extended family members; and watch the Detroit Lions lose for the 40th year in a row. Citizens will not, however, be permitted to sleep off their turkey hangover on the following Friday. All workers must report to their regular duties to prepare for the onslaught of ridiculous sales and mass hysteria that comes with the purchase of unnecessary merchandise in the month of December.
A group of AAH members, including but not limited to, the Pumpkin Patch People, the Candy Corn Council and the United Christmas Tree Choppers, voted unanimously to pass this measure. The genesis of the campaign to rid the world of Thanksgiving occurred when Sara Hearst of Lizard Lick, North Carolina, attempted to purchase a life-size Nativity set at Wally’s Wholesale Warehouse. The problem was – Ms. Hearst tried to purchase the Nativity set in early November but she was shocked to find out that the store only carried Thanksgiving items. The news of this atrocity spread like a California wildfire, and the wheels – to bring down Thanksgiving – were set in motion.
“We are excited to celebrate 4-months of Halloween / Christmas, without the November intrusion of so-called Thanksgiving,” said Kris Kringle, Regional Director of AAH. “We are confident that the candy corn, candy cane, and toy soldier industries will bring prosperity back to this great nation. The days of Tom “the turkey” – and his merry band of sleep inducing chemicals – are numbered. We look forward to an exciting new chapter in American overindulgence.”
For general information about the elimination of Thanksgiving and to learn more about the new Fall holiday season, visit http://www.byebyeturkey.org.